Thoughts of the month

1. I’m thinking of putting a super-injunction on next year’s tour dates, because it does seem a very effective way of getting the word out. – Dara O’Briain

2. Kate Middleton and Prince William said that for their honeymoon, they want privacy in a country where no one will give away their location. I think they are going to Pakistan. – Jay Leno

3. Albert Einstein said: ‘A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?’ I don’t know, an Xbox 360? – Jimmy Carr

4. I’ve been all over the world and England is the only country where guys drink on the train on the way to going f****** drinking. – Dave Fulton

5. I had a bet on three horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. None of them won. I blame it on the bookie.