Despite our best efforts, life in the big city can get pretty complicated, trying to juggle work, social life, personal problems—not to mention the never-ending stream of stressful traffic. We can talk to friends and family, but their involvement might be a little too close to home…sometimes a professional opinion really helps to put things into perspective. Calling our concrete therapists from New Counseling Service (NCS) to the rescue for some solid advice!
Do you have a question for one of our counsellors? We will never print your real name, you can ask anything anonymously! Just send your problem to: [email protected] or message @ncsbangkok on IG, FB, or Line.
Do you have a question for one of our counsellors? We will never print your real name, you can ask anything anonymously! Just send your problem to: [email protected] or message @ncsbangkok on IG, FB, or Line.
Dear NCS,
This may seem a bit strange, but I’m writing because my wife wants too much sex. Since the lockdown started, she insists on having sex every day, sometimes twice a day. We hardly ever talk anymore, and she gets angry when I say I am too tired or not in the mood. My guy friends all insist that I’m lucky and I shouldn’t complain, but I really miss the connection with my wife and I wish sometimes we could just “Netflix” without the “chill,” if you know what I mean. -Frustrated husband
Dear Frustrated,
■ It’s certainly not strange for couples to have different expectations around sex and for this to become an issue over time. I wonder how long the sex has been an issue in your relationship and whether this has always been the case or whether it’s changed in recent times. But probably the more fundamental issue is that you hardly talk anymore and have lost the connection with your wife. It sounds like you’re saying the sex issue has created this disconnection, because the constant demand for sex has caused you to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and your wife’s perception that you’re denying her what she wants is causing her to feel annoyed and unsatisfied. |
Most likely, this will require some communication to resolve, which is unlikely to happen unless the connection between you is re-established. I assume your wife is also aware of this disconnect between you? Is she concerned about it? And if so, are you both willing to do what’s needed to resolve things between you? She might think the connection will be fixed by more sex, but clearly that won’t work for you and she needs to understand and respect this. Likewise, you need to acknowledge her sexual needs are important to her and be willing to help find some ways to meet these that work for both of you.
Open and honest communication between the two of you will be key to understanding what you both need and finding a way to improve the relationship again. Some compromise will likely be required on both sides. Once you can both agree to work on your relationship together, set aside some dedicated time to discuss how to proceed. Establish some ground rules about listening to each other openly and uncritically, ensuring both of you are allowed the chance to talk and discuss concerns safely, and taking a break if things become unhelpful. Here are a few suggestions to get these discussions going:
Counsellor David Ogden
Open and honest communication between the two of you will be key to understanding what you both need and finding a way to improve the relationship again. Some compromise will likely be required on both sides. Once you can both agree to work on your relationship together, set aside some dedicated time to discuss how to proceed. Establish some ground rules about listening to each other openly and uncritically, ensuring both of you are allowed the chance to talk and discuss concerns safely, and taking a break if things become unhelpful. Here are a few suggestions to get these discussions going:
Counsellor David Ogden
• How do you want your relationship to improve? How can you reconnect on an emotional level, not just on a sexual level? What has worked for you in the past as a couple to improve connection?
What do you appreciate most about each other?
• Maybe plan some dates together where the key is to simply enjoy each other’s company and do things you both enjoy, to help reconnect.
• The sex issue will need to be addressed – maybe explore some more creative ways to help your wife get her sexual desires met but in a way that’s less demanding on you. Be willing to experiment and try some new things that might work OK for both of you.
• If you struggle to resolve these issues by yourselves, are you willingto get some professional help?
Your relationship is obviously important to you and like all marriages will need some work to maintain, especially the way things are for you right now. If you are both willing to work on this, you can certainly make it work but it will require both of you to be honest with each other, accept each other’s needs, and be willing to compromise a bit. Remember there is help available with all this if needed.
Dave Counsellor
What do you appreciate most about each other?
• Maybe plan some dates together where the key is to simply enjoy each other’s company and do things you both enjoy, to help reconnect.
• The sex issue will need to be addressed – maybe explore some more creative ways to help your wife get her sexual desires met but in a way that’s less demanding on you. Be willing to experiment and try some new things that might work OK for both of you.
• If you struggle to resolve these issues by yourselves, are you willingto get some professional help?
Your relationship is obviously important to you and like all marriages will need some work to maintain, especially the way things are for you right now. If you are both willing to work on this, you can certainly make it work but it will require both of you to be honest with each other, accept each other’s needs, and be willing to compromise a bit. Remember there is help available with all this if needed.
Dave Counsellor
Dear NCS,
I’m writing on behalf of me and my sister. We are mixed, our mum is Thai and our dad is English. The problem is, we don’t look alike…AT ALL. I look more western, whereas my sister looks more Thai. People constantly ask us if we are *really* related, they make rude comments and they often say I am ‘the pretty one.’ I find it so embarrassing and I feel really sorry for my sister who has low self-esteem because of this. What can I say to people who make uninvited comments? I love my sister to bits - how can I make her believe that she is a perfect mix too?
-Mixed sisters, mixed feelings
I’m writing on behalf of me and my sister. We are mixed, our mum is Thai and our dad is English. The problem is, we don’t look alike…AT ALL. I look more western, whereas my sister looks more Thai. People constantly ask us if we are *really* related, they make rude comments and they often say I am ‘the pretty one.’ I find it so embarrassing and I feel really sorry for my sister who has low self-esteem because of this. What can I say to people who make uninvited comments? I love my sister to bits - how can I make her believe that she is a perfect mix too?
-Mixed sisters, mixed feelings
Dear Mixed,
■ Thank you for reaching out on your sister’s behalf. It is very unfortunate that people think it’s OK to make comments about your comparative looks, and even worse, make rude comments about you and your sister. The love and support you have for your sister will mean a lot to her and go a long way to assuring her that she is fine the way she is. You might want to sit down and discuss with your sister how she would like to deal with these comments. She may appreciate you standing up for her in some way, or she might prefer to stand up for herself with your support, or she might prefer to ignore such comments completely and get some support from you afterwards. Ideally, if you can decide together how to deal with these situations then it will feel like you’re in this together and she will feel less alone. There are a few approaches you can take in dealing with the comments and it will depend on the circumstances as to which approach works best. Ignoring many of these comments might be appropriate, especially if they are ignorant comments in the first place. In this case you can talk with your sister afterwards and reassure her that she doesn’t need to let other people’s ignorance affect her because they obviously don’t really know her or what she’s like. |
If you both make the decision to say something in response to some of the comments then it will be safest to avoid being aggressive, even if part of you might want that. Simply stating facts can often be effective in taking the sting out of someone’s comment, whether it was said in an ignorant or a mean way. Keeping it simple and to the point can be best; affirming the fact that yes, you are sisters and you don’t care what other people might think. Something like, “yes we are sisters and we are both fantastic people” could work, but please choose words that you are both comfortable with. That solidarity and unity between the two of you will hopefully help you feel closer to each other and allow your sister to feel stronger and more confident to cope with any such comments in the future. If your sister continues to struggle with low self-esteem, please feel free to reach out and we would be happy to provide strategies for this. Best wishes to you both.
Johanna
Counsellor
Johanna
Counsellor